The end of 2009 was quite a roller coaster that ended not the way I expected. It was difficult, and emotional, and basically completely draining. My husband and I have been believing for a child, believing for conception. We'd gone to doctors but had not received a good answer as to why conception had not happened for us. There was a small issue that should have been easily remedied, but even a procedure for that ended without fruit.
In October we met with our doctor again and felt like we should try IVF, which is a costly and very involved procedure, but one that was being recommended. It involves much medication, MANY shots, appointments and procedures. Every case is different, and to be honest, if you have to look into the arena of fertility the deeper you go the more you realize that only God can bring life. In our case we only had one shot at success, some couples end up with many more embryos than they will ever need for the number of tries they want, some do not even get enough for one try. We had a try, and we truly believed that it would be a success. Friends who were praying with us over this felt it would be a success.
On a Monday in December I went in for a blood test to find out if I were pregnant or not. Expectancy was high. We had been doing everything the doctor said, exactly as they said. That afternoon we received a call that the test was negative. That was it. No second chances, no options, nothing.... just negative. So many hopes and dreams that were once again put on hold. So many emotions of dissapointment came running over.
I do not believe that this is the end of the hopes and dreams, just that it isn't going to happen through the help of fertility doctors. The bigger realization through this entire excursion though has been my thought process. I do trust God to be faithful and I do trust Him to come through, but how much had the old saying of 'God helps those who helps themselves' colored my perception of God? How much was I relying on my actions, my faith, myself instead of on God's love, grace, and mercy? Am I going to think about my situation from the point of view of the natural and only allow God's Word to comfort the dissapointments that I experience, or am I going to view my situation from God's point of view and allow my confidence to be in Him as I walk the path that is before me?
That is the challenge. That is the challenge that has been laid before me this year: to stop thinking about things from the natural perspective and to think about them from God's. To put out the old thought processes and bring in God's thought process.
So what has God said about my specific situation?
He has said that I am wonderfully and fearfully made by God and therefore I'm perfect and able to conceive and have children. God said that I would be a fruitful vine by the side of our house and our children like olive plants around our table. We (my husband and I) will not be ashamed but happy because our quiver is full of children. God said that we are His people and have a covenant with Him, that He will love us and bless us and multiply us and bless the fruit of my womb and that neither male nor female among His people would be barren....God says more about my situtation. My challenge this year is to find what God says about me, about my life, about what I am to do, and to institute those things as my way of thinking, as my way of living, as the foundation of my thought process and faith.
So how about you, are you up for a challenge in 2010? What does God's Word say about your situation? Find out and let it change your thinking.
For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. -Jeremiah 29:11